


Agape

by LRoge



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, M/M, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2015-08-22
Packaged: 2018-04-16 14:50:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4629294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LRoge/pseuds/LRoge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of the things that happened in Purgatory with Cas and Bennie. While fighting for survival Dean and Cas sacrifice for each other and learn one of the reasons their bond is so profound.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Agape

Dean squinted into the hot dry wind of the outer circle as dust was blown into his eyes. The gust wind blowing past his ears at least temporarily drown out the sound of Cas moaning as they walked on, following Bennie. Days held fewer monster attacks than the nights, but only because in the nights attacks were almost nonstop. 

They were walking down hill now, and Cas, shaggy Cas in his torn and dirty overcoat, was silent and sullen, following behind Dean, who was following Bennie. Cas was looking down, falling behind. It had been a while since Cas had said anything. He tried to remember what had been said, but the details escaped him. He knew it was heated, and it was about how Cas didn’t want to be there…didn’t think the portal out of Purgatory would allow an angel to pass through. Well, what would he rather be doing instead? Dean thought. He had shouted at Cas. It had happened a while ago, but how long ago he couldn’t say.

This seemed to be the pattern of their days lately. They would be attacked by monsters or Leviathan, fight them off, then Cas would whine it was because of him and complain that he shouldn’t be with them. He and Dean would fight with each other, they’d continue on in silence for a time, following the trail Bennie had heard described to him in silence, until they were attacked again and then the cycle would repeat. Until nightfall when the process accelerated, more combat, shorter fights between them, less ground covered. And when day broke again, it would usually start with a more heated argument. Bennie was mostly silent, except to tell Cas to shut up occasionally, or to ask for help identifying landmarks. He noticed Bennie didn’t let them know too much about the upcoming trail, but he had to say Bennie was proving to be quite a saint for putting up with their bickering lately. And he was pulling his weight in the fight too.

Dean, turned and looked over his shoulder at Cas, plodding along in the dirt with his hospital slippers on. What to say to him, to get his attention, maybe make him forget his determination that the portal wouldn’t work?

“Hey Cas, you getting tired?” Dean shouted back to him. “You want us to pull over at the next exit and get a Popsicle or maybe an ice cream cone?” Dean smiled, to show he was joking and he hoped to see Cas smile, too. Instead Cas, shrugged and looked up, with a patient look on his face he reminded Dean he didn’t need to sleep or eat. He thought, maybe, Cas knew it was a joke and was telling him this again, as part of the joke. Cas was never one to really understand humor; or much of human behavior. But Dean thought maybe, Cas looked a little relieved, like a little of the tension had been lifted between them. 

Then, suddenly Cas stopped walking. He was staring down at the ground again deep in thought. 

“What is it?” Dean asked. He looked to Bennie, who was turning around to see that Cas and Dean had exchanged words but weren’t arguing, and then Dean was backtracking to approach Cas where he stood.

“What is it, Cas?” Dean repeated when he’d caught up to where the angel stood silently. The look of relief Dean had seen in his face, or thought he’d seen, had vanished.

“Dean, how long do you think you’ve been in Purgatory?” Cas asked stoically.

“I don’t know,” Dean breathed. “the days and nights all kind of run together. I guess I spent maybe a month…I guess, looking for you.”

“A month,” Cas repeated thoughtfully. “And how much have you slept in that time? How much have you eaten?”

“I don’t know,” Dean shrugged, carelessly. Dimly he remembered those first dark, fearful, restless nights in Purgatory, praying to Castiel who didn’t answer. No sleep, no food, hardly even any rest. “Not much. Why?” 

“I’m afraid you’ve been in Purgatory for a little more than six months,” Cas said. “Or, if that amount of time hasn’t passed here, that is what it has been on earth. For Sam.” 

“Sam? Six months?” Dean said softly. He heard a choking sound and it took a minute to realize the sound was coming from his own throat. 

“That’s not what concerns me, as much as this; How are you still alive with no sleep or food?”

Dean swallowed. It couldn’t be that he hadn’t slept or eaten at all. He reached back, trying to dredge up a memory of the last time he’d had a break from the murky waters of his time in this place. It had to have been a while ago, …but he wasn’t finding any recollection of food or rest. The days, nights, battles, they all ran together in his head. “I don’t know,” Dean finally said. “How am I?”

Bennie was approaching them now, wondering what this little meeting was about. 

“I have only one answer, and that has to do with rules that govern the body don’t apply here as they do on earth,” Cas said.

“You think?” Dean asked. Where was this going? What was happening, and what had Sam been doing looking for him for six months, without a sign? Dean felt himself getting rapidly agitated. 

“There’s only one thing I can think of that is keeping you alive. Tell me, since I’ve been traveling with you and the vampire, have the attacks by the other monsters in Purgatory gotten more, or less frequent?”  
“Not to damage your ego, Cas,” Bennie chimed in, “Nothing much has changed.”

“Maybe a little more frequent,” Dean added, “but about the same. I know you said you’re a beacon for attracting monsters, but –”

“I am.” Cas interrupted, “I’m a celestial being. But you are a human soul, and you attract monsters too. The only explanation for the attacks not becoming significantly more frequent in my company is that they are less able to detect you. It’s me that’s drawing them to us. As opposed to both of us.” 

“Ok? And why are they less able to detect me?” Dean asked.

“And more importantly, why is this bad news?” asked Bennie, as he surveyed the landscape. They were in a hilly forested area and he wanted to try and be sure they were not going to be ambushed.

“You haven’t been able to supply your body with its needs and in its place, your soul has been able to kick in and substitute its energy for what your body is lacking. But it’s weakening you. Your soul is sending out a weaker signal to be detected.”

“So my soul is like, running the body on batteries and that makes it harder for monsters to find us? And the downside is?” Dean asked.

“You could die. Maybe here, in Purgatory and it could be that you wouldn’t even realize you’d died, and you’d be trapped here forever. Or you could emerge on earth with a weak soul. It could shave years off of your natural life-”

“Well, I’m not worried about that,” Dean chuckled.

“Or, as a hunter, I don’t know what it could do to you on earth. Make you weaker, slower, and vulnerable. That is if you even make out of here. One thing we’re relying on for the human portal to work is that it will recognize your human soul. If you approach it too weak, it may not work. The portal may close and reappear somewhere else too difficult to find.”

Cas was speaking urgently now as he tried to convince Dean of the dangers of continuing as they had been. Dean could see his point, that a weakened soul might make it more difficult to escape Purgatory, and that Cas was upset. He didn’t give much thought to how it would affect him as a hunter on the other side, or the length of his lifespan. Not a really big concern, here and now.

“Ok, so then, how do I power up my soul?” Dean asked. Bennie threw him a look that said, “Seriously?” but Dean waited patiently for Cas to explain it to him.

“You need to rest. Your body will heal itself and your soul can recharge itself.”  
“So, all I have to do is take a nap and that will power down my body and brain, and soul can attend to it’s soul functions?”

“Essentially, yes.”

“How’s this going to work? Do I just catch a nap under a tree, and you two try to keep a perimeter clear? All right, knock me out, this shouldn’t take too long.”

“There’s more, Dean.”

“Awesome. That’s that?”

“I can’t knock you out. Even if my powers were at full capacity, you have to fall asleep, naturally. Your brain and body have to relax so soul will unravel itself from them and attend to …recharging itself. And, once you fall asleep, I don’t know what will happen. A human with a fully recharged soul is going to attract more monsters in Purgatory, but also, clearly...sleep isn’t something that happens naturally here. I have no way of predicting what might be drawn to you in your rest.”

“Oh, well, that’s perfect.” Dean grimaced.

“We’ll have to find a safe hiding place for you and Bennie and I will protect you,” Cas continued.

“Now wait a minute,” Dean argued. “I’m not going to lay down on the ground and take a nap while you two stand guard over me. Especially if taking a nap is going to act like a monster magnet. Bennie, how far do we still have to go? I still have enough juice in my battery because this plan is not going to work.” 

“I don’t know, Dean,” Bennie replied, “I have a vague recollection of days myself, but Cas seems to know what he’s talking about.”

“Dean, if you don’t do this, you risk death,” Cas said sternly. “And dying in Purgatory…I don’t know what that means. For your soul.” 

“I’m not going to fall asleep while you two protect me and absorb all the heat I attract to us. Think about this practically. It’s just not going to happen,” Dean said. “I think I can keep moving. I say we keep moving.”

“Dean,” Bennie said calmly, “I know you don’t want to do it, but I think you should trust your angel.”

“This is very serious, Dean,” added Cas. “In this state I can not tell how weak your body is. The only gauge we have is the frequency of attacks.”

“It’s not…Ok, um…Two things…” Dean stammered. “Its not that I don’t trust you both with my life, I do. It’s just that…”

“You don’t want us to risk ourselves for you,” Cas said. “Dean, aren’t you taking a big enough risk helping us get out?”

“Listen to the angel, Dean. You want to help us get out? Well one of us has to be human.”

“It’s true.” Cas said gravely.”

“Ok,” Dean grudgingly sighed. “But how am I going to fall asleep with all this nonsense? I mean, unless one of you has an Ambien in your pocket you haven’t mentioned, I don’t see how this is going to work.”

“What do you mean?” Cas asked innocently.

“He means, he isn’t going to be able to fall asleep.” Bennie said. “I was human once, and I think I know what you mean. One can fall asleep some pretty uncomfortable places, but I doubt that Purgatory is one of them.”

When Cas continued to gaze blankly at Dean, Bennie continued, “Imagine a rabbit with a fox on it’s tail. The rabbit is in the middle of running for its life. You think it’s just going to nod off and drop asleep simply? Even with one of you and one of me standing guard.”

“I’ve never been asleep,” Cas admitted. “but I understand one just has to get comfortable and close their eyes. Is that not the case?” He turned to Dean and added, “I assume the vampire is right though. There is probably too much adrenaline in your system right now to make that happen easily.” 

Cas sighed and shuffled uneasily. “If I was at my full power, I might be able to manipulate your brain chemistry somewhat to make you tired, but now…I doubt I’m capable of it.”

“Maybe we should press on and seek a location for this slumber party?” Bennie suggested. Dean, not having any other ideas, huffed and stalked off toward Bennie, who turned and lead the party out of a gradually thinning woods and into a dry and rocky steppe.

After what felt like to Dean about fifteen minutes of walking, but could have been a month for all he knew, Cas stopped again. 

“Dean, I have an idea,” he said abruptly. “We’ll have to act quickly as it is getting dark out.”

“What?”  
“Just listen to me. I think I can start a campfire.”

“A campfire? Cas, you want to hear ghost stories, I’ve got a few, but let’s get back home first.”

“Dean, since the first days after the Fall from grace, human kind have sat around fires together. The act of staring into a campfire induces a meditative state in the brain. It’s a tradition, almost as old as humanity itself. I think if you try it, it might calm you, and help you fall asleep.”

“Yeah? You think so?” Dean was aware the sarcasm in his voice wasn’t helping but he was having a hard time hiding his frustration. Here was Cas telling him he might die here in Purgatory, leaving Sam alone and wondering where he was, and then telling him the answer was to go to sleep. Next to a campfire. “How’s that going to work, Cas? Isn’t the smoke going to attract monsters? What am I going to do, lay out here on the ground and just hope they walk past me, and you and Bennie will fight them off for me?”

“No. We’ll hope you fall asleep before the monsters come. Bennie can try and lure them off and after you’re asleep I’ll have to teleport you to another spot and we regroup after you wake in a stronger state,” Cas explained sternly.

Dean shrugged and glanced at Bennie, who shrugged back with a look that said “Have you got a better idea?” Dean grudgingly remembered what Bennie said earlier. Bennie was the one who knew the way out of Purgatory. But to get Bennie out with him, Dean had to be human. To get Cas out too; and if Cas was right, and Dean had no reason to think he wouldn’t be, it was all dependent on him, sleeping. Sleeping here on the dirt, and counting on Bennie and Cas to take care of him. 

And why wouldn’t he count on them? He’d been counting on them in the fighting thus far. But this was different. Why? Because now he was counting on them to protect him, instead of to fight beside him, and Dean knew that that was a whole world of different.

Bennie met his eyes and Dean could read in them, that Bennie could tell Dean was not OK with this, but that he understood what he was going to have to do. 

“I’m counting on you, Winchester,” Bennie said, and with that Dean didn’t feel so weak. He nodded at Bennie, “Same to you,” he muttered. Bennie bent down and began collected the dead wood and dry brush from among the stones.

They suffered only attacks by single monsters, one werewolf, a wendigo and rookuro, each with an appetite, as twilight approached, but each was put down easily enough. Dean could sense Cas getting edgy as the evening progressed and he knew he wasn’t just anticipating the coming Leviathan attacks, he was worried that if they didn’t come, it would mean it was too late reverse the draining of Dean’s soul. 

It was decided that Bennie would wait for Castiel to light the fire and see if he could use a torch or two to draw off and perhaps fight monsters in the woods. Dean had wanted to build another large fire deeper in the woods, but Cas insisted there wasn’t time for that and that he had to start both fires or the monsters might be able to tell which one was started by angel power and which was started with Dean’s bic if it still worked, or any other force of nature Bennie could use to their advantage. Cas, however, was doubtful any forces would be worked to their advantage, as he continued to point out that the same laws of physics didn’t apply here, and he was sure the only way to start a fire would be through celestial manipulation of energy. Cas was also convinced that such action would draw the monsters right too them. 

They had also argued about whether Bennie should stay close by or hide in the woods with fire to try and draw off monsters. Eventually Dean said nothing more, but came completely convinced there was no way he was going to fall asleep here. He found himself sitting on a dead log, staring into the pile of brush and dead wood as Bennie and Cas argued and the light faded. 

When they started to realize Dean was alone in his thoughts, Cas finally summoned a fire by laying his hands on the branches and summoning a power that caused his eyes to glow blue and white light to emit from his palms. Soon a smoky little fire was crackling and popping. No monsters descended immediately and Bennie lit two torches and looked meaningfully at Dean as he headed toward the sounds of escalating chaos coming from the trees. 

“Do you want a good night kiss?” Dean asked him. Bennie smiled and grunted a laugh and departing running toward the woods. Dean momentarily admired him, running into danger and wished it could be him. He turned back to the fire which was spreading among the branches now and sighed. The darkness around him deepened, and it occurred to him part of the reason he’d been dreading this plan was that he hadn’t been alone with Cas since he first arrived in Purgatory. Sure, Bennie had been there when they’d found Cas by the river, Bennie had heard him tell Cas he’d prayed to him every night, that the three of them were leaving Purgatory if it killed all of them. But now one on one, he had to face all that he’d admitted to Cas, and all the arguing they’d been doing lately – all three of them. 

“Cas,” Dean began, not looking up from the flames. The angel sat beside him on the dead log, space enough for another body between them. “I’m sorry I’ve been a little short with you, lately. Purgatory, man.” 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t answer your prayers, Dean.” Cas said in one breath. Dean sensed with his peripheral vision that Cas also hadn’t moved his eyes from the fire. “I did do it to protect you.” 

“Yeah,” Dean sighed. “So how long is this supposed to take? Falling asleep so you can zap me someplace else?”

“I don’t know.” Cas answered. “It’s probably best if you keep looking toward the fire. Try to reach a meditative state. Don’t think about….anything. Empty your mind of thoughts.”

Yeah, whatever that meant, Dean said to himself. He wondered if this would do the trick. Suddenly he was remembering a camping trip from one summer when he was a kid and his dad was between hunts. They had rented a pop up camper and stayed in camp site at some park for a month or so, while his Dad did odd jobs in town, and spent nights pouring over musty smelling old books at the picnic table in the light of the lantern while Dean helped Sam cook their hot dogs over the camp fire and made up ghost stories to entertain him because they didn’t have a tv. Dean remembered catching hell from John Winchester when his stories were a little too real for Sam who still didn’t know where their Dad went and what he did when he was “hunting,” and some of the stories gave Sam nightmares. 

Dean drifted back from his memory. His body was getting heavy. He felt, not tired, but very very old. The trees were full of noises, but so far no monsters came their way. Cas hadn’t made a sound during Dean’s brief trip down memory lane. He suspected he didn’t want to distract him from falling asleep.

Then Dean could not find a comfortable sitting position. He shifted and kicked about, stretching his legs and then his back, and finally letting himself slide to the ground using the log to brace his back, his legs extended straight out in front of him. 

“Do you have angel parents, Cas?” he asked suddenly. “Were you ever a little angel? Young?” His voice surprised even him. He wondered why the thought had never occurred to him before…that Cas could have had an angelic childhood…He tried to imagine a little angel Cas, a baby angel…weird.

“My father created all the angels,” Cas said, he too sounded distant. Lost in other memories that surfaced that were raised by looking into the fire? “My older brothers answered my questions, offering guidance and training, for the fulfillment of our mission.” There was a long pause while Dean thought about when he first met Castiel, the angel of the Lord; soldier. “You have to understand, when I say older, my brothers were created hours, maybe minutes earlier. But they were not as limited in their capacities as other angels. We had our roles to play. My father designed us and willed us into creation as fully formed beings capable of carrying out his will. So no, I was never a ‘little angel.’ There’s no such thing as little angel in terms of size. There was a time when I was – not young, exactly, but new…all of creation was new. That was…a very long time ago.”

The exhaustion hit him suddenly, as if all the time spent in Purgatory caught up with him at once, and Dean’s head rolled on to his shoulder. He felt he couldn’t keep his eyes open one second longer. The warmth of the fire spread over him and through his body as he felt himself collapse against something both soft and firm, and he couldn’t fight the sleep any more than a man on the beach can prevent the next wave from rolling in.

Dean drifted to into a sleep that was as peaceful and untroubled as it possibly could have been given the setting. The warmth, and the crackling fire harkened in him into a memory of comfort and safety. A memory he didn’t trust, even in unconsciousness. In dreams he wouldn’t remember upon waking he saw flame, and heard laughter, and screams. There were yellow eyes, fear and pain and anger, and then they subsided and he dreamed of lightning, thunder, of being sheltered from a storm, the sound of feathered wings, and again of peace and safety.

Slowly his senses returned. Dean realized he was cold. He heard rain falling, but he was dry. He was lying down on the ground, his head resting on something soft and firm. Something was draped over him. A blanket? It was Cas’s coat, he knew suddenly. The knowledge that he could hear breathing and sense someone extremely close came to him so suddenly after the last realization they were almost on top of each other. He knew it was Cas before he opened his eyes. 

“Cas,” he muttered as he shifted. Cas’s scruffy face came into focus. The right side of his face was matted with blood. “Cas are you ok?”

Dean struggled to sit up still largely unaware of his surroundings. He gathered they were in some kind of shelter from the rain. Cas was leaning over him, and his head must be resting on Cas’s lap. Upon this startling realization, Dean tried to jerk into a sitting position, but he lacked space. Cas, cradled his head and steered his shoulders until Dean was propped on his elbow in something like the fetal position. Cas could sit upright beside him, legs crossed, staring out at the rain that was still steadily falling. Slowly Dean realized their shelter was a small, slanted lean-to made of large rocks; boulder at their back and two boulders leaning on each other to form a slanted ceiling. Shelter from the rain, but that was about it. Dean shivered as he followed Cas’s gaze out into the bleak and mostly dead clearing among the trees. Purgatory. That’s where they were. Still. He pulled the trench coat closer to him and was grateful for the little dry shelter they had. The coat actually did little to cut the bitter, damp wind, and Dean felt himself unwillingly lean into Cas a little bit to absorb some of his body heat. He shuttered again leaning on his elbow which dug into the ground closer than he would have liked to Cas’s thigh.

“How are you feeling, Dean?” Cas said in trademarked seriousness. Dean barely took a moment to do a personal inventory. He seemed to have all his limbs as far as he could tell at this second and he was breathing.

“I’m fine. What happened? How long have I been…asleep?”

“You fell asleep watching the fire as I predicted,” Cas said to the rain. “Shortly afterward monsters attacked us. I teleported you here and tried to hide you as best I could, before I returned to help Bennie fight them off. My teleporting just signaled to them my location and status as a non-monster. Bennie and I fought them off there and then I returned us to this spot, where we again defended you. At last I was able to get you into this shelter. Bennie has killed all the beasts that are attracted to this area. I have not seen him for a while.”

“Cas? How long was I out?”

“Well, it’s hard to say. We’re in a different plain of existence than the Earth and therefore we are not orbiting around the sun, so-“ 

“Convert it for me!”

“Four days.”

“Four days?”

“I was right, Dean, your body and brain needed to rest. That is why you were unable to wake up. Your soul was able to do some healing of itself.” 

“My soul” he repeated, groggy and struggling to take it all in. He shouldn’t have been asleep for four days. Not while his friends were protecting and guarding him. “What about you? Didn’t you heal yourself?”

“I’m not at my full power here,” Cas explained. “There are limitations.”

“Cas, did you heal me?” Dean asked. “Is that why don’t have enough power to heal yourself?”

“Dean, I’ll be ok.” Cas said, calmly. “I just need some time, and I’ll repair myself.”

“Great. Like I’ve never heard that one before,” Dean muttered. “I suppose you’ve just been sitting here, bleeding, watching over me, huh? My heavenly bodyguard?” 

“I did not want to leave you alone again. The monsters could return and find you unconscious.” 

“And so you’ve just been sitting here, while I sleep?”

“You’re upset by this,” Castiel observed, finally turning his conscious attention to Dean. 

“Did you have to put my head in your lap?”

“I thought it would be comfortable for you. It was how you fell asleep.”

Dean vaguely remembered gazing at the fire, his vision hazy, his head resting on something supportive; Cas’s leg? Cas had been sitting on the trunk of the fallen tree, and Dean on the ground, as he passed out his head had fallen against Cas. 

Well, whatever, no one knew, he thought. 

He had better things to worry about at the moment. He was Dean Winchester and one thing was for damn sure, he was getting out of Purgatory for and taking this angel with him. He was going to get it done. Kick it in the ass. And if he wanted to, he could bend this angel over and…

\- Wait a minute? Did I just really think that? Dean said to himself. He gave his head a quick shake as if to etch-a-sketch erase the thought he didn’t quite admit to himself he’d had.

“A guy shouldn’t have a guy watching him sleep, it’s just – creepy,” Dean explained.

“I found it to be rather peaceful,” Cas said. “You have never watched over Sam?”

“No. It’s not – No.” Dean stumbled. Why was explaining everything to an angel so complicated? “Not on purpose.”

“Well, I found that while you were resting your soul was able to, how did you say it? Power down your body and brain and attend to it’s soul functions. Being in proximity to a human soul is also restorative to me.” Dean noticed that Cas had turned to face him then, quickly angled the bloody side of his head away. Dean hadn’t taken in yet the extent of his injuries, just that the side of his face was a smashed mess.

“Wait, so when you run out of angel mojo, being close to a human soul helps power you up?”

“It appears to be true in Purgatory,” Cas said.

“Just in Purgatory?”

“It seems that way. Unless on earth, the difference is so subtle I could never perceive it before. Here you are the only human soul in this realm and I can feel my power steadily returning.”

“Cas, Bobby said when you zapped us into the 1860s, that when you came to get us you were low on juice, and he said touching his soul helped juice you up. Did you? Could you…?”

“I can not touch your soul without your permission, Dean.”

“You did it to that kid when Balthazar laid a claim on him.”

“Then I wouldn’t touch it without your permission. You were supposed to be resting. To attempt that would have been dangerous. And counter productive.”

“Well, what about now? I’m awake, restored. I give you my permission.”

“Dean, you just restored some of yourself. For me to drain that from you now, it helps no one.”

“It helps you,” Dean said. “Seriously, Cas how are you going to get out of here if you’re bleeding everywhere?”

Cas ignored him and stared straight ahead.

Dean continued, “Hey, I just rested for four days, right? I’m all powered up. Well I thought human soul-power means I don’t need to eat or drink or sleep, and it attracts monsters. I say bring it. If I get low again, you can always light me another bon fire. I can take another nap.”

“For me to touch your soul would be excruciatingly painful for you, Dean.” Cas said plainly. “I don’t think I should do it.”

“Let me see the side of your face.”

“No.”

“Come on. Tell me what got you. Was it Leviathan?”

“Yes.”

“Show it to me.”

Cas went silent and didn’t move. He continued to stare out of the shelter. 

“Why is it raining?” Dean asked suddenly.

“Purgatory is angry that you and I are here,” Cas replied. “It started shortly after you fell asleep. Soul goes against the nature of this place. Leviathan attacked us during a violent thunderstorm. I got you away as quickly as I could, but shortly after it started raining in this place too. I tried to conceal you, and went back to fight with Bennie. Then we came here, and cleared this place of monsters. I healed you, and created this shelter. It’s dry in here.” After a strange pause, he continued, not breaking his stare with the line of trees across the clearing. “The stronger you get the weaker the rain becomes.”

“Cas, let me see.”

Castiel slowly turned to face Dean, and Dean did more than cringe with his whole body. Since the first time since woke up he was fully aware of his hands, his feet, his knees. All these parts of his own body seemed to pull in towards his center in a gesture of wild self protection when Cas turned his face toward him.

“Come on, Cas. I’m not letting you leave here like this. You have to heal yourself. Look at you. Your flesh is gone around your eye. I can see part of your skull.” Suddenly Dean jerked and sat up a little straighter. He rolled onto his back and propped himself up on his hands, knees bent in front of him. It was the closest he could get to a sitting position without hitting his head on the rocky ceiling that sloped up and gave Cas room to sit upright. He rolled onto his side preparing to bolt into the clearing. “I think I’m going to be sick,” he gasped.

A few gasps and some dry heaves later, Dean crawled toward the back of the shelter. He pulled Cas’s coat from himself and shoved it at Cas’s shoulder, then sat back, finding he could almost sit upright in a comfortable position if he kept his legs straight out in front of him, sticking out of the shelter into the rain.

“You gotta let me do this. It’s the only way you can heal yourself. I can’t stand you like this.”

“I really don’t want to.”

“Well, you’re going to anyway.”

Castiel sighed and looked resigned, then he nudged Dean and instructed him to “lie back.” Dean was laying on his back, knees bent to give Cas room to share the shelter. The last thing he heard was Cas whisper, “I’m sorry, Dean” before he began to feel that his heart was on fire inside his chest. Dean felt his whole body erupt into white hot flames. He thought he could see a blurry, trembling Castiel through the sweat that was dripping into his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something reassuring, but what he heard was a whimper and then, thankfully, he blacked out.

When he came to the second time… the first thing he saw was Cas’s face coming into focus. He was whole and healed, and still scruffy. Dean was aware of dim light all around him, and it was no longer raining.

“Are you ok, Dean?”

“Hey, no rain,” Dean heard himself saying. He didn’t know why he said this before he even did a personal inventory. He ran through it now, similar to waking up in a comfortable bed when he’d had a good night’s sleep. He was no longer in the shelter. Cas had laid the trench coat on the ground in front of the shelter and rested Dean flat on his back on the coat. He stretched out and found he didn’t even feel the soreness he expected from basically sleeping on rocks. He was feeling relaxed, but most definitely awake. The background noise he was hearing slowly became words. Cas was talking to him.

“What?”

“How do you feel, Dean?”

“I feel…” he stretched again, pulling his muscles to the point of tension, lingering in that sweet pain. “I feel, great. I feel like I slept for a month. How long this time?”

“Hours,” Castiel answered as Dean sat up, bewildered. 

“You’re better. I thought you said touching my soul would weaken me?”

“I was wrong. I learned something I hadn’t realized.”

“What?”

“I guess that you offering me the chance to touch your soul, to heal myself, at sacrifice and risk to yourself, that was an act of…humanity. It strengthened your soul instead of weakening it.” Cas cleared his throat. “I also discovered something else.”

“What?”

“It’s not of consequence here. We should move on.”

“No. Because you have a look like you want to tell me something, but I’m not going to like it.”

“I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

“Tell me.”

“What I discovered is that I was able to recover a great deal of power from your soul, without weakening you as perhaps it would have any other human, because, when I touched it I felt something. Something that was me.”

“Come again?”

“I was right about drawing power from your soul while you rested. It was restorative for me, but not for the reason I had assumed. It was not because you’re human. It is specific to you.”

“What? You’re telling me I’m some kind of angel charger.”

“You’re my angel charger. I have a feeling it could only work for me.”

“What?”

“It’s my grace, Dean. It’s the angel equivalent of a soul. I don’t have one because I’m not mortal. Remember when we met, I was surprised you were incapable of beholding my true form?”

“Yeah, when you tried to blow my eardrums out? I remember.”

“That was not our first meeting, obviously. You do not recall being raised from hell, because you were pure soul and not in your body at the time. When I raised you from hell I touched you with my true form; without a vessel. Some of my grace, left a mark on your soul, and I think perhaps your soul left its mark on me. What I’m saying Dean is you carry a piece of me in you, and I have a piece of you with me. It is very small, but very powerful. With very far reaching, I’m afraid very permanent effects.”

“What are you telling me? That I have a piece of you…inside me?”

“Think of it as, a burn or a scar. A mark, left by a power that has influenced what it has touched. And it has happened to me as well.”

“Is this a fatal condition?”

“Under the right circumstances it can be.” Castiel contined softly, as if to himself, “We have been together the presence of a cherub. I wonder why he didn’t tell us. He would have been able to detect it. …Unless he thought we already knew.”

“What a minute. The cherub?” Dean asked getting to his feet. This conversation was too weird to be sitting down for. “You mean the cupid?” He looked Cas in the face for a moment he felt a hot happiness flood him knowing Cas was healed. Then he brushed that aside and began steeling himself for bad, irrevocable news.

“This condition, as you call it, has been around for many thousands of years. It has even existed between angel and human in the past, if the stories can be believed. The Greeks called it agápe, but in your time it’s more commonly referred to as being…”

“Don’t say it,” Dean interrupted. Dean glanced again at Cas’s face. He was biting his lower lip as if to keep from saying the words Dean didn’t want - couldn’t, hear from him. He looked him in the eyes and understanding passed wordlessly between them, confirming that they both knew what Cas was prevented from speaking.

“Look,” Dean continued, “Sam is my brother. I’ve been there for him, his whole life. I died for him, went to hell for him, forgave him for Ruby, and God knows what else. I’ve said it to him once, maybe twice. In my life. So it may be true, ok? Maybe we both know it. But it doesn’t change anything.”

“Can I tell you something that may offer you some comfort?” asked Cas, studying the horizon again. 

“What?”

“The first time we touched, I was pure intent, and you were pure soul. Neither of us had a body to limit, or define us. In heaven, Dean, there is no label. There’s nothing to betray. There is no gender in heaven.”

“Not comforting.”

“As I said, it is not important now, here in Purgatory,” Cas said. “Let’s find Bennie.”

Dean picked up the coat Cas had laid for him on the ground, he found himself holding out the coat, not for Cas to take it but to put it on him. He tried not to think about what he was doing, why as Cas faced him he needed to arrange the collar on the coat, while shaggy Cas just stared back at him grimly. It unnerved Dean to see Cas without the coat on. Something about him without it, thinking about how he’d taken it off to cover him, just made him anxious. About what, he wasn’t sure. He was trying to focus on Bennie as he adjusted Cas’s collar. What if Bennie was killed while they stood here sorting out all this grace and soul business? Bennie was the one who knew how to get out.

And yet, there was something else nagging him. An angry frustrating bad feeling buzzing around his mind that was spurring him not to ignore it, no matter how hard he tried. If it came to the surface and announced its name that would probably be more angering and frustrating. But there was just a general bad feeling surround him about what he’d said to Cas. Guilt. Oh damnit! Now he knew what he was feeling was guilt, and now his stupid brain was probably going to try to tell him why? He didn’t think he’d hurt Cas’s feelings, did he? Of course he did. That’s why he was feeling guilty, and angry and frustrated. 

“So what are we going to do if Bennie’s …bit it while he was guarding us?” Dean let go of the collar of Cas’s jacket and turned to survey the clearing wondering which direction they should start in.

“I suspect he hasn’t been killed, but if he has, and his head is still attached to his body, I should be able to bring him back.” Cas said matter of factly. He started toward the trees and Dean made to follow, then Cas stopped, turned around and walked back toward the rocks that had provided their shelter. He picked up Dean’s weapon and handed it to him, then turned back. Dean carried the stick, felt the weight of it with it’s sharpened rock blade. He was strangely touched by the fact that Cas had managed to save it for him through the time when he was asleep, the teleporting, the fighting and the rain.  
He walked on, trusting Cas would have a sense of where Bennie was now, or where to find him. They didn’t walk for very long into the woods when they heard Bennie’s voice from up ahead of them. He stepped out of the trees saying, “You two love birds back from the honeymoon, then?”

Cas had stopped at the sight of him and now turned to Dean, with the same grave expression said quietly, “I don’t think he knows what we talked about. I think he thinks what he said was funny.” 

Not so quietly that Bennie didn’t hear him and throw a curious look to Dean. Dean felt his face flush but there was no threat in the look Bennie gave him. Bennie was merely curious and somewhat amused. Dean took a cautious step toward Bennie, his hands extended at his sides in a gesture of surrender, he realized. It wasn’t a conscious decision to present himself disarmed. Since when had he thought of Bennie as challenging? 

“He means…” he began, but Dean didn’t want to speak for Cas. He started again. “We didn’t…”

“Hold up right there. I don’t need to know. Let’s get this handcar moving back in the direction we’re going,” Bennie interrupted. He turned and started to walk away. 

Dean caught up with him and spoke quietly in the direction of Bennie’s shoulder. He didn’t look back but he assumed Cas had fallen back into his typical sullen post of walking behind, head down. 

“I just…” Dean began. Bennie stopped and made eye contact with Dean. He was serious, but his face bore no ill will, just feeling. Something like, understanding. Empathy. 

“Look Dean,” he began, “We both got our reasons for going back. You made it clear from the get go that the angel is coming with you or you’re not leaving this party. Now am I going to be the judge of that? Me? Maybe. Maybe I’ll judge that when I get an angel of my own. But seeing as how that doesn’t seem likely to happen, I’d just as soon mosey along on this little journey.”

“Yeah. All right” Dean said, as Bennie reached out and squeezed his shoulder.

“Let’s get you back to your brother,” Bennie said.


End file.
